The Strange Breeze..

There is something strange about this breeze. It reminds me of that hot breeze which came and struck me to leave me with an even odd sense of insecurity then. It was also a sunny Sunday afternoon. We were stepping up the stairs of the hospital along with my Uncle. My sister was unusually silent. So was my Uncle. It was like a puff of hot air which not just left my curly hair all the more unkempt but also shook me inside. It left me with some bizarre fear and a few questions. To which I kept on telling blatant 'NO's deliberately to re-inforce my strong belief that nothing bad will happen to me and my family. At that age I had a logic that my Grandma always used to tell us kids that 'nothing bad will happen to us since we have not done or thought anything wrong'. I used to think that this used to hold true all the time and hence this time also nothing bad will happen and that my Grandma will get well soon and be discharged from the hospital.


As we reached near the ICU, I saw my Dad. He looked at us with a never before seen helplessness in his eyes. That made me feel even weird. I said to myself..No..it cant be the case..He must be just tensed up about Grandma's surgery. Because, before going for lunch with Uncle, i heard them saying that Grandma will soon be operated post to which she should be fine.
Suddenly , I heard Mom bursting in to tears..and then Aunty came to me and told that it is over..i remember me going and finding myself a seat a little far away from the rest of the crowd. It took me some time to believe that such bad things will happen to us also. For the first time I was angry at the Gods.I was trying to come to terms with the 'cold' reality but in vain. My Grandma was healthy. She just had a cold when I met her the day before at my Uncle's place. It was because of the renovation work at our home that she shifted to Uncle's place the week before. Everyone was expecting her back home that morning. When she had called up in the morning, I fought with her also, when she told that she wouldnt be coming because, she was having slight cold and did not want to take chance.


I could not believe first when Uncle called up to inform us that she was taken to ICU the moment she walked in to the hospital along with my Uncle. That too after a lot of pursuation by Uncle since she was so reluctant to go to hospital for that slight cold. It was just a matter of few hours that she left all of us ...and I decided that i would not cry on this. For I wanted to teach my mind that she was very much there with me. And for that reason, though many had come to explain and pursuade me, I just didnt want to go and see her for the last time before being taken to the mortuary. But at last had to relent to Aunty, when she said I might regret later. That time I really did not know what is right or what is wrong. I went along with her inside the ICU. I hugged and kissed my Grandma. For me she appeared to be sleeping except that I could feel the 'cold', death had left her with. I still can sense that cold on my lips and fingertips as I am walking through this flash-back.


I dont have a reason why I got reminded of her death today though getting reminded of her loss is just normal for me even these days. She was more than a Grandma to me. We used to share our world when no one else was around.


She is someone who used to prepare me all my favourite dishes time and again. She got me bangles every festival season. She used to arrange for poojas on every star sign of mine without fail.She used to wait for me in the verandah on friday evenings, expecting me from hostel. She bought me my first payal. She taught me the baics of cooking. She taught me the traditional prayer songs. She was mine. She scolded me for my mistakes in front of others but she pampered me and made me feel special when we were together. I feel good about all those wonderful moments but I feel terrible when I miss it now.


Years have passed by and now she is just in my prayers and I feel that i am missing her...when I go for an interview, start any new thing, try my hand at cooking, when i feel I have nobody as 'mine' etc..etc..etc.......the thoughts of her loss put me to tears these days...though I managed not to cry when the entire family was sobbing those days...and yes... the breeze is still on...not enough to dry the tears off my face though..